Life's a Beach!

After All

2009-03-28T03:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry to all those who know by now that I gave him yet another chance. Yes, we broke up about 9 months ago when I felt that I've finally had it. I thought to myself then, this is it. Nothing will ever change. He can never give more than this even if I wait, that's why I gave up. Finally, after 6 and half years, I left him.

I thought to myself that the only way I'd forget about him is to completely erase him from my life. I did what the song said...I put away the pictures, put away the memories. I deleted all his numbers from my phonebook. I was impressed by how strong I was because I did not even attempt to talk to him for 4 months.

Until one day, I received a text message from someone who's number did not register in my phones' memory. The message said "kamusta?", and I replied, "sino to?".

He did not tell me who he was and only said "di bale na lang", and for some reason I had a gut feeling that it was him. So I asked, and I was right. I said I was doing good and I don't know why he felt like he could just talk to me like he did when we were together and made a joke about me probably out on a date with someone at that moment.

I snapped.

If he felt like our relationship did not end badly, then he was really sick. I hated him still for hurting me so much. I told him nasty things, told him to never bother me again and that I hated him and that I wanted him to go to hell.

And that was it.

I couldn't believe after 4 months, I was still not over it.

Another 3 months passed and I got my new job to manage a hotel and leave Manila for it. I had a sudden urge to call him and tell him that I'm leaving. For what reason? I have no fucking clue. I tried calling his sun number several times about a week before I left Manila, but it was always turned off.

And then I was off...

Three days after I got to Boracay, there was that thought again...to call him, to hear his voice. At this point, I was thinking that I was already over him and that I've moved on and that I think hearing his voice wouldn't change anything. So, I tried dialling his other number using the business line and it rang, and he picked up.

I said, "Cy?", he said, "sino to?".

I told him it was me and that I just wanted to know how he was doing. He was in shock and could not answer me right away. I said "Kung busy ka, ok lang, I just wanted to say hi", then I hung up.

Later, He texted me saying that he was really shocked that I called him up and he did not know what to say because the last time we texted, I was fuming mad. I told him that I've already moved on and that I wans't angry anymore. We ended up talking longer and longer and then chatting thru YM.

We got to talk about what happened between us, why it had to end and finally, after months of waiting for it, it finally came...he wanted me back.

I didn't know how I felt after hearing it. Was it too late? Should I give him another chance? Is it right for me to do so? But there was one thing I was certain about, I still love him, fuck!

Amazingly, I missed him a lot, and I cried.

This was the only time that I got to tell him everything I felt while we were together, all the reasons why I left him. And finally, after countless times that I tried telling him how I felt, it was only this time that he understood me.

All he said was he wants to make it work this time and that he'll do his best to make it work.

I don't know if this is just another promise, but I was suddenly happy. Happy that after all, we keep coming back to this.

The curse that is rice

2009-03-28T03:32:00.000-07:00

Bakit mahirap iwasan ang kanin? Hindi ko rin alam. Nakakainis sya! Kasi kahit wala naman syang lasa, at niluluto lang sya gamit ang tubig, ang sarap sarap nya. It goes with everything...fish, chicken, beef, soup, pancit, toyo, siomai, basta lahaaaat!

I wonder what it would be like na wag kumain ng kanin for 1 whole year, siguro I'll lose about 20 pounds.

I haven't had rice for the past 3 days, at kanina bigla lang ako nagcrave. So I ate at Mang Inasal's kasi nagcrave din ako ng chicken inasal. Ang sarap nya, with garlic rice. Haynaku.

Sabi nga ng E-heads, ilang kanin pa ba ang pipigilin?...

Totoo nga!

2009-03-27T05:39:00.000-07:00

Marami na nagsabi sakin na pumayat na daw ako since I got here last January. But most of the people who have said so are from Manila, so they don't really see me except in pictures i post on Facebook.

And then just today, one of the commissioners that help me get bookings from guests came by (I think it was a month ago that I last saw her), and she said "ang slim mo na, ang laki na pinayat mo mula ng dumating ka dito" PAAAAAKKK!

Ang saya, although I haven't really gone thru the worst trials. Ngayon, and diet ko lang ay "no rice", at ang exercise ko lang ay "running" and "swimming". I don't really exercise religously yet kasi minsan tinatamad ako sa sobrang init. Pero I'll try to change that soon.

Cravings...

2009-03-25T07:41:00.000-07:00

Darn Mexicali for infecting me with this craving!!!

Hindi ko alam bakit pero ever since I had a taste of the greatest salsa in the world (exaj syempre), lagi ko na syang hinahanap. I think I went to Mexicali at least once a month since then when I was still in Manila.

Ngayon, all I crave for is Mexican food (Cuban rin minsan). Here's a list of places I've been to around the island where I've eaten great Mexican food:

Ole - D' Mall station 2 - had cuban sandwich, and then chicken enchiladas (salsa tastes so much like Mexicali's)
Jony's Beach Resort - station 1 - had chicken enchiladas
Heather's - station 1 - beef fajitas, chicken quesadilla (not the best salsa though, but nevertheless, still good food)

Soon to conquer...
Manana - station 1

Now over to coffee.

Again, for some reason I have gone back to my coffee addiction, even in the absence of Starbucks (soon to open though). I look for it in the morning, at lunch time and even at dinner time. My body has been immune to the effects of caffeine since I don't remember when, that I take cups and cups anytime of the day and can still fall fast asleep.

Coffee at its finest for the best prices...
Waling waling - station 1
Heather's - station 1
Ole - D' Mall, station 2
Real Coffee - station 1 (just behind my resort, oh! and this is where ann curtis and aga muhlach shot their movie, it's the place where aga saw ann for the first time in bora)

For now, yan pa lang ang cravings ko, I've only been here for 2 months anyway. Let's see if there's more to come.

Kape kape kape, kamatis kamatis kamatis!

Return of the Comeback

2009-03-25T04:29:00.000-07:00

It was just last night that someone gave me the idea of blogging again. I have been living in Boracay for the past 2 months and have not found a hobby that would keep me busy while the Island life continues to get to me.

So Cy says, "I think you should start your blog again..." and I say, "I'm not a good writer and I don't have anything to write about anymore."

I guess I was wrong.

This is the perfect hobby for me right now since I don't really have friends here that I can talk to regularly other than Gemma (my constant island companion/advertising manager for boracay tourist map and guide). I guess this is a way for me to talk about all the bullshit that will and have been going on with my island life.

I'm going to venture into photography soon, try to learn on my own. For now, while waiting for my camera to arrive from Manila (once i buy it of course, courtesy of my future sister-in-law, Zara), it's blogging time.

After 10 years...

2006-03-06T03:29:00.000-08:00

...and I'm back! Yan naman, after so long nakapag blog rin, I know Ewee namiss mo mga birit ko dito. Anyway, wala lang. I miss writing here, leche kasi bawal na sa office to, kaya wala ng libreng internet! Wahahaha! Wala pa akong mga kwentong kakaiba from any of my stupid callers that come to mind right now. But I'll keep you posted....Eto na may naisip na ako...tulad ng isang arabong gustong magreserve ng room. Tinatanong ko kung anong city at state nya gusto magbook, wala syang ibang sinabi kundi I want the one on Banksville rd, banksville rd at banksville rd. Punyeta sabi ko nga what city and state, HINDI ROAD BOBO!!! Malay ko ba kung nasa Somalia yang road na yan! Shunga-ers!!!

At sa mundo ng mga prank callers...Unang salita palang ng bruhang caller ay alam ko nang manloloko lang ito. Nagbigay ng city and state na non-existent. Aba, ako ba magpapatalo! Nevah! Pinatulan ko sya gago sya! Wala akong mahanap na ganong city, sabi ko can you please give me a city that EXISTS! at tinuloy ko, rates, amenities and all. At ang tigas pa ng mukha nito, tanungin ba kung ano ang urine content ng pool? Hindi pa rin ako nagpatalo! Sabi ko in a very friendly and polite voice, "I'm sorry but we do not have information on the pool's urine content, if you want let me give you the hotel's number, I'm sure they can tell you." Tanong sya ulit, "do you think the kids can pee in the pool?" Sorry dahil eto ang sagot ko! "Oh ma'am that would be your option, it's not a problem at all." at eto na ang verdict......talo sya dahil binaba nya ang phone, pikon!

Sorry dahil reyna ako sa asaran! And on the other hand, I was courteus and helpful throughout the call, hindi ako nagrelease, at hindi irate. Ang galing galing ko lang na agent! Wahahahahaha!

Pasasalamat!!!

2005-05-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

Ito ay isang pasasalamat sa mga taong nagalala, nagpaabot ng kanilang malasakit at ng mga text at tawag sa akin nung ilang araw akong na-confine na ospital. Nakakagulat talaga ang naaabot ng mga kwento kwento ng mga tao! Ang mga taong may alam lang na nasa ospital ako ay ang mga kasama ko sa opisina, dahil syempre kailnagan kong i-report ang aking pag-absent sa bisor ko at mga taong araw araw kong kasama.

Nagulat na lang ako na pati mga kaibigan ko sa Experian ay nagtext at nangangamusta. Na-touch talaga ako sa inyo, kahit magkakalayo na tayo ay naaalala nyo parin ako. Salamat sa pagalala. At sa mga taong di nakadalaw sa akin, ayos lang, dahil malayo naman talaga ang Chinese General Hospital. Basta salamat sa Diyos I'm back...

The Trials of Living Alone

2005-04-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

I've been living alone in my own condo unit (of course bought by my mom) for almost a month now and it's quite fun. Being on my own is one thing I've always wanted to do when I was still in college. Pero grabe pala ang dadaanan mo pag magisa ka na lang.

Nung una madali, kasi my mom was the one who bought me raw food from the palengke like baboy and fish and beef, and she marinated them for me also. So ako, pagdinala ko na sa pad, all I have to do is cook it, which is something that I love to do. Kaya masarap ulam ko lagi. Cooking and cleaning were not really a problem for me, kasi sanay naman ako gawin ang mga yon.

And then came the bill, i checked my mailbox one day when I got home from work, and I have meralco and sky cable bill in my box waiting to be read. Ok lang naman ung bill kasi mura lang, but the problem was....how was I going to pay for the bill (as in hindi ako marunong magbayad)?

Katangahan ko kasi 2 days before due date ko lang naisip i-check ung mail to find out that 2 days after due date na ng meralco. Hindi ko alam san magbabayad! Leche napakatanga ko talaga! Hindi ko alam kung saan may malapit na meralco at anong procedure.

Nakakaloka talaga! Ang balak ko kasi before is give the bill and the money to pay for it sa mommy ko and let her do the transaction. Nakakainis! And I even thought of paying online, and because of my habit of withdrawing all the money I have from my China bank payroll account, wala na pala akong pwededng gamitin for an online transaction. Lesson learned...next time I will leave a small amount in my China bank account for meralco bills.

Kayod...kayod...kayod

2005-04-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

Nakakainis! Everybody is leaving...work! A lot of people from work are now resigning. People from both Experian and HCC. Nabalitaan ko kanina from friends from Experian na bilang na bilang na ang mag vet reps na naiiwan sa Experian. At puro newbies na lang, at pati ba naman dito sa HCC lahat umaalis na! POTA!

Bakit hanggang ngayon nasa putanginang call center parin ako. I've been wanting to resign but I cant' seem to find a job that I want. May mga nabalitaan na akong maga taong lumipat ng ibang call center, at dahil sa meron na silang value dahil sa experience, they are being offered more than what I am earning here in PS. Gusto ko rin non, kasi ang taas ng sweldo, but I swear ayoko na talaga sa call center.

At present I'm thinking of trying abroad, naisip ko Singapore since it's not so much of a culture shock pag andun na ako. And I want a job in which I can put into application what I have learned in college. Parang ngayon, nagkakaroon na ako ng urge to take the freakin' board exams. Hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano gagawin ko. I'm so bored with this mediocre job (no offense meant to people working in call centers...) but this is just not me.

I want action, I don't want to just sit in a chair all day and talk to strangers. I've always wanted movement in what I do, no dull moment, no idle second! Where can I find the answer, and the job that suits me?

Tulungan nyo ako utang na loob. I can still work here in the Philippines, if there would be a good job opportunity. I was thinking of applying as a med rep, that's a tiring job, but at least I'll be always on the go, hindi ako mabobore. Mabilis akong mabore sa trabahong idle, but I'm not sure if I'm cut out for being a med rep. Wala naman din akong makitang med rep opening sa mga labs dito. So paging anyone who knows kung saan ako pwede magapply, don't hesitate to reach me with the details.

And if somebody out there knows about any job openings in Singapore which is Science related, please let me know. Umaasa...

Halaga

2005-04-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

I read this blog from a friend. Dahil sa uso ngayong taon ang breakups at mga lalakeng naglalabas ng mga pagkawala nilang kwenta sa mga girlfriend nila, naka-relate ako sa entry nya. May iniaalay na kanta sa kanya ang bestfriend nya na tinutukoy ang katarantaduhang ginawa ng jowang hayup! Kanta ito ng Parokya ni Edgar...

Ang lyrics ng kanta...

Umiiyak ka na naman
'Langya talaga wala ka bang ibang alam
Namumugtong mga mata
Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa
Sa problema na iyong pinapasan
Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihan
May kwento kang pandrama na naman
Parang pang TV na walang katapusan
Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan
Hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
Ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga
Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka

Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayo'y nagkasama
Iilang ulit pa lang kitang nakitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi nya lang alam ang 'yong tunay na halaga...

Nakakainis mang aminin na lalake ang laging dahilan ng pagiyak, inaamin ko na lalake ang nagpapaiyak sa akin ngayon. Although I am trying my best to move on, pero mahirap magmove on pagnaaalala mo lahat ng masasayang bagay. Lalong masakit pag kahit anong effort ang ginawa mo, it still was not enough to make everything work. Lalo na pag maraming pinangako sayo na hindi naman kayang panindigan. Everything could have worked out fine, if only pinanindigan mo lang ang pakikipagrelasyon mo sakin. Hindi ko naman hininging unahim mo ako, at gawing top priority, acknowledging my existence was all I needed for you to do, and God knows why it was so hard for you. Apparently, hindi mo talaga alam ang tunay kong halaga.

Ngayon puro sama lang ng loob ang nararamdaman ko, puro sakit, puro galit. And to think we had such a beautiful friendship. And you know what the funny thing is? Kahit na gano kalaki ang galit ko sayo, mahal parin kita. And I hate myself more, because I love someone who is not even worthy of it.

Nakakapagod umiyak pero, iba talaga masaktan ang puso, kahit pagod na pagod na, at kahit umaayaw na, umiiyak parin sya. At gaya ng kaibigan na ito na nagalay ng kanta, gusto kong magpasalamat sa mga kaibigan ko dahil andyan kayo para hindi ko maramdaman ang sakit.

Faith

2005-04-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this thing that was forwarded to my email by a friend (Huey Boy). As everybody knows, di talaga ako religious but this message really struck me. Read on....

An atheist professor of Philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.He asks one of his new Christian students to stand and.....

Professor: You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But in that case, and in many others, God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?
Student: Yes.Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God DID make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?

(Student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?

(Student has no answer.)

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God.
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my FAITH.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

(Silence for a while.)

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.Student: No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turnof events.)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heator no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, butwe can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describethe absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, Sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light...But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's calleddarkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, then you would be able to make darkness darker,wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing theconcept of God as something finite, something we can measure . Yet Sir, science can' t even explain athought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. Toview death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantivething. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teachyour students that they evolved from monkeys?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, Sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where he argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the processof evolution at work and cannot even prove that thisprocess is an on-going endeavor, are you not teachingyour opinion, Sir? Are you not a scientist but apreacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has everseen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard theProfessor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? ...No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that youhave no brain, Sir. With all due respect, Sir, how do we then trust your lectures?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student: That is it, Sir. The link between man & God is FAITH.That is all that keeps things moving & alive......

PSALM 23The LORD is my ShepherdI shall not be in wantHe makes me lie down in green pasturesHe leads me besides quite watersHe restores my soulHe leads me in path of righteousnessfor His name's sakeEventhough I walk through the valley of evil of shadowof deathI will fear no evilFor You are with meYour rod and your staff they comfort meYou prepare a table before mein the presence of my enemiesYou anoint my head with oilMy cups overflowedSurely your goodness and love will follow me all thedays of my lifeAnd I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.Amen

Moving on...

2005-04-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

I'm trying my best to move on...masakit parin pero ganito talaga ang buhay ko. Laging malungkot laging puno ng problema. Pangarap ko sa buhay iisa na lang. Gusto kong maging masaya. Walang frustrations sa pamilya, sa boyfriend at sa trabaho. Gusto ko ng peace of mind. Gusto ko maging matibay...gusto kong kalimutan lahat...Gusto ko...mamatay na lang para tahimik na lahat...

....

2005-04-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

Dati hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit sinasabi ng mga tao na masakit magmahal...iniisip ko lang masaya yun, kasi meron isang taogn nag-aalaga sayo, at nagmamahal sayo...hindi ko naisip na isang araw masasaktan pala ako...

Oo, wala na kami, kung tutuusin isang taon na rin ang nakalipas nung nag-break kami officially, but we technically did not. Mahirap talaga kapag doctor ang mahal mo, una lagi ang pasyente, una lagi ang pag-aral, bago ikaw. Yan ang naranasan ko sa tatlong taon naming pagsasama ni cy.
Umpisa pa lang alam ko na na ganito magiging arrangement ng relasyon namin, nagkakilala kami nung college, pa-graduate na sya. At pinangako ko sa kanya na kahit na di nya ako mabigyan ng panahon kailan ko man gustuhin, magtitiis ako dahil ganon ko sya kamahal.
At akalain nyo tumagal kami, ang dami naming mga pangarap na binuo--san kami papakasal, ilan ang magiging anak, at saan papaaralin ang mga ito. Sinubukan ko maging supportive sa career na pinili nya, alam kong bata pa lang sya ay pangarap na nyang maging doctor, at bilang isang taong minsan ring nangarap na maging doctor, masayang masaya ako nung nagumpisa na sa med school si cy. I was so proud of him for following his dream, and for doing everything he can para maipakita sa mga magulang nya na nagsisikap sya. He did everything para sa med school, everything...up to the point na kaming dalawa na ang nagkakaproblema dahil nape-pressure sya sa time dahil kailangan nya itong hatiin sa skwela, pamilya at ako.

Naintindihan kong importante ang pagaaral nya, naintindihan ko rin na bilang panganay na anak sa kanilang tatlong magkakapatid sa kanya laging nakaasa ang mga magulang nya. Maunawain akong tao, kaya nagpasensya ako. Alam ko ang pinagdadaanan nya, mahirap, minsan naaawa ako sa kanya, kasi parang nahihirapan syang balensehin ang lahat. Kaya kahit mahirap maging girlfriend nya, hindi ko sya iniwan. Babae ako, at kaming mga babae, kaya namin magtiis, magcompromise at magadjust para sa lalaking mahal namin. And that's what I did, although I did have the choice na maghanap ng ibang lalake na kayang ibigay sa akin ang obligasyon na, binalewala ko yon, ganon ko sya kamahal.

Naging masaya kami kahit bihira kaming magkita, we were the best of friends. Bago ko sya naging boyfriend, naging isa sya sa mga matalik kong kaibigan and that's the best part of our relationship. Hanggang dumating ang time na dumalas ang pagaaway namin dahil lagi ko na syang namimis, at nagkakataong hinahanap ko sya kung kailan hectic sya sa skwela...nakipagbreak sya sa akin, dahil hindi na raw nya ma-handle ang pressure at kailangan nya akong bitawan...gumuho ang mundo ko, hindi ko alam ang gagawin...ilang linggo ko rin syang iniyakan, pero isang araw bumalik rin sya, sabi nya mahal parin nya ako, at hindi nya kayang wala ako. Bumalik ang sigla sa buhay ko. Pero panandalian lang pala yun, dahil after 7 months, nag-give up na sya. Paulit-ulit daw ang cycle namin, nagiging demanding na raw ako at hindi na nya magawa ang kailangan nyang gawin dahil hindi nya maiwasang isipin na laging masama ang loob ko sa kanya. Katwiran nya sa akin nun ay he cannot afford any distractions because he is not someone na magbasa lang ng libro ay papasa na. Naintindihan ko pa rin yon, kaya kahit masakit tinanggap ko na ganon ang kapalaran namin.

Pero kahit ganon ang nangyari sa amin, naramdaman kong hindi nya kagustuhan nya maghiwalaya kami, dahil araw araw pa rin kaming naguusap, paminsan minsan ay nagkikita, parang walang nangyari, parang kami parin at oo, we still made love when we had the chance. Maaaring magmukha akong tanga sa maraming tao, pero mahal ko sya. Ilang beses rin kaming nagusap ng seryoso tungkol sa arrangement namin, minsan nga ay pareho kaming umiiyak. At sobrang sakit para sa akin nung sinabi nyang nahihya sya dahil di nya mabigay ang kailangan ko, dahil alam kong sinusubukan nya akong mahalin sa paraan na kailangan ko. Ilang beses din syang humingi ng tawad dahil alam nya marami syang pagkukulang, at ilang beses din nyang sinabing hindi nagbabago ang pagmamahal na meron sya para sa akin.

Isang taon na ang nakaraan, at ngayon tuluyan na kaming naghiwalay. This time ako na ang nagdesisyon. Ginawa ko yon, hindi dahil alam kong hindi nya ako mabigyan ng panahon, nabuhay na ako ng tatlong taon na minsan lang kaming magsama, ginawa ko yun dahil pakiramdam ko, pag pinatagal ko pa, one day we will both hate each other. Naging bestfriends kami at one point in our lives at hindi ko kayang masuklam sa kanya. Dumating na sa punto na parang tuluyan na syang naagaw sa akin ng ambisyon nya, hindi ko na nararamdamang importante ako sa kanya. Kaya kahit masakit bumitaw na ako.
Nagpadala sya ng email with this song...

She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
I don’t know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life
It’s out of my hands
It’s out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She’s out of my hands
So I’ve learned that love’s not possession
And I’ve learned that love won’t wait
Now I’ve learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late
She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life

Umiyak ako, habang nasa opisina, binabasa ang message na yan, umiyak ako ng umiyak.
Alam ko dapat akong maging matibay, dahil parte yan ng pag-ibig, pero nung binabasa ko ang mesage nya, di ko mapigilang maramdaman na umiiyak sya habang sinusualat nya ito. Alam ko sa puso ko na nahihirapan syang ibigay ang kaligayahan na kailngan ko, at pinili na lang nya na i-let go ako dahil iniisip nyang mas liligaya ako sa piling ng iba...

Ngayon hindi ko alam kung kaya kong panindigan ang desisyon kong ito, gusto kong sumaya, oo...pero sasaya kaya ako ng wala sya sa akin? Hindi lang boyfriend ang nawala sa akin, nawalan ako ng bestfriend. Ang pinakamasakit sa lahat ng nangyari ay pareho naming hindi ginusto ang magkahiwalay pero gusto kong malaman kung anong plano ni Lord sa amin...Gusto kong manatiling magkaibigan kami, pero sobrang sakit isipin na hanggang doon lang kami...

Sana isang araw matutunan kong makalimutan si cy, makalimutan ko syang mahalin...pero ngayon ang gusto ko lang gawin ay umiyak...umiyak sa sama ng loob...Kung mababasa nya lang 'to gusto kong isigaw sa kanya na mahal na mahal ko sya!

Forget

2005-03-26T19:05:00.000-08:00

I'm at a depressed stage of my life....
I want to forget so many memories...
I don't know when...
But I will write again when I have no more angst...
And when I do...
Nothing about the past will be told...

You may not understand...
But one person will...
You know who you are coz we talked last night...
And thanks for being there...